I feel like I’m hanging by a tether, and with each tug it gets more taunt, and one day it’s gonna snap and I’ll just keep falling… And I don’t know where I’m gonna land.
Days switch with nights sometimes and I spend my time aching and missing something I don’t think I ever really had. I could continue with contradicting statements but what good is that? No seriously what good is anything? I mean what am I doing? Learning so I can work and working so I can maybe buy a house and maybe settle down and maybe pass on my genetic material and die so the cycle can continue on indefinitely. Is that like the goal for me? Is that my plan? Do I even have one? Every day I spend is it one wasted pursuing something I even want to pursue?
The point I’m getting to was nicely summarized by the Front Bottoms who once said ‘Au Revoir’. Yeah, I’m leaving this blog for good. It’s been five years, a little over that now. Honestly it doesn’t feel like that, the email came coasting into my inbox all cozy like, and I thought, fuck man… That’s like something right? Well maybe it’s not but the truth is this blog and what it meant to me has changed drastically since it’s inception. Mostly it was supposed to give meaning to my life, something that meant more than the daily grind of work, sleep and excessive masturbation. Thankfully though life has become a lot more fulfilling for me since then… Well except for the masturbation part.
The truth is though, these rather sparse collection of posts have turned into a bit of a soiled boil on my thigh. A rather uncomfortable itch that doesn’t work in the way I want. Maybe that’s my fault, maybe that’s my issue and maybe just maybe I like leaving things behind. Maybe I like to scatter this place in a big explosion of boom, boom, pow and just you know see it scattered like the ashes of the grandfather you never even really knew.
I spent a while on tinder recently, I guess it was to plug a gap of like social fulfillment I had been sorely missing. Or maybe it was my chest pounding heterosexual piece of shit dick brain telling me to bone down to reassert my tattered manly authority. Honestly while I was successful I wouldn’t recommend it. It makes you act like a peice of shit. Don’t get me wrong I’m all for everyone getting theirs, you know whatever rocks your cock or preverbal frock and all that, but still… There’s something, not…. Nice about it.
Maybe I’m a sappy piece that thinks too much about oxycontin and MDMA and maybe just maybe I’m wrong and maybe just maybe I want to find something in someone because maybe just maybe I think that’s how you give your life purpose. Not by being self-sufficient and self-assured that you’re fine and not deluded and that you’re great but by living for other people. By trying your best to make their existence something more than what they are. Everybody leaves a trace on somebody, even if it’s something small, but you know that’s how you do it right. That’s how you achieve glorious immortality, through the eyes of others. SO this is me, rejecting this form of immortality, one forged by unreal words on an unreal page reflected on a stranger’s computer screen who could probably only ever give a half damn as they load up porn in another tab. So yeah… That’s why I’m leaving, not for some sad melancholic reason, not for some reason because some vain asshole thinks everything I write relates to them and their experiences, but for me…
If you’ve ever enjoyed anything I’ve done, if you’ve ever felt lost and without anyone to listen, if you’ve ever wanted to cut your gums open with a razor blade to bleed all over the inside of your mouth just to feel something other than the crippling apathy just for once in your life… Please understand… This is for you just as it is for me. Because i’m gonna try and be that person. The one that you can talk to, reach out to when you do feel lost. Someone who tries to be good to other people, someone’s purpose who’s more than just self-interest in my own sexual gratification or popularity or vain fucking hoarding consumerist buying fucking things that don’t matter anyway. Because everything is just for now. The food in your belly, the clothes on your back, the friends in your life, everything is temporary, except maybe death and taxes. So why not fucking seize what you have, and say fuck it. I have my health, and I can try and make someone smile, and make someone feel something and make them know if they need to count on you they can… Maybe, hopefully one day they can return the favour for me, and help me when I’m at the point when the tether snaps and I start falling. Cause maybe then I’ll finally know where I might land. Not in a pile of loss and self-destruction, but surrounded by good memories and a knowledge that I tried to be more than myself.
I just want to say thank you. Thank you to the collection of jpegs that give these lines of code a badly designed aesthetic, and thank you to all my grammar mistakes that will be immortalized forever, and thank you for the bad names and mean things I’ve said and somehow avoided the repercussions for. Most importantly though, thank you readers who somehow happen upon this place, your silent judgement and likes have meant weird things to me and whatever happens I hope you all get yours, and if you’re somehow treated unfairly, I hope it’s testified for you the best was denied.
I’ll leave you with this one last thing, if you set out to fail, but succeed, what have you done?
Later space cowboys, I’ll see you starside.
-PragmaticBrick signing off for the last time <3